humour

what? a sham

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I was reading through our community newsletter this morning and found an ad (redacted).

I had to ask HFT what a sham was.  It apparently is a decorative cover for pillows – not a pillowcase, but a cover for them.

Is that where the phrase, “What a sham!” comes from?  Something useless but pleasant to look at?

The only sham in my house is the state of my housekeeping skills.

jeez whiz

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So I went shopping at Real Canadian Superstore here in town.  On my list was Cheez Whiz because I can’t live in a house without it.  Yes, I already have a just-opened jar in the fridge, but one must be prepared.  So I went up and down the isles looking for it.  I saw “CONDIMENTS” on the signs above the isles.  Great!  I went up and down that isle a couple of times.  I found mayonnaise, so that’s good.  But no Cheez Whiz.  I saw a couple of isles down, “SPREADS”.  “Well alright!  I bet I’ll find it there,” I thought.  No go.  I found some almond spread, which was nice.  But you’ll never guess where the Cheez Whiz was – with the cheese!  In the refrigerators!  Who the heck put it there, and why?

What’s more, why wasn’t the mayonnaise refrigerated?

The Builder (a limerick)

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The Builder – by Allan Johnston – 2025-01-01

The Builder – Allan Johnston 20250101

There once was a guy named Allan
“The homelessness here is appallin’
I must do my bit
And I don’t give a shit
If they think that I’m wasting my betalen”

He though he had answered his callin’
Contractor bags he was haulin’
He fill them all up
‘Til they were about to rupt’
‘Cause plaster from walls was fallin’

He carted them down to the landing
Hard work, it is true, ‘twas demanding
Great bags full of white muck
Brought down on a fridge truck
And the dust in the air was expanding

Good boots and respirator he was wearing
As the dust in the air it was tearing
At his eyes and his ears
Yet he show nary fears
Though he pondered it might be a red herring

“What’s this for, what’s the reason to toil
To labour, to strain, and to moil?
To get sick from the dust
Wave my arms in disgust
For my health and well-being it could foil?

I work on and build floors and hang drywall
And I tape and I mud eight-foot-high wall
And I sand and I paint
Lord! the smell makes me faint
All this work just might be my downfall

But the answer I found it is clear
‘Tis the labour I value so dear
To work on past the dusk
Just like Elon Musk
For the vision I have is so near

It begins with a building permit
And expenses it’s true they can surfeit
And amongst all the clamour
I lost my best hammer!
But when finished it will all then be worth it

With this vision I work to the finish
My resolve to work on won’t diminish
More siding I acquire
Hang electrical wire
And I tape, mud, and sand to a linish (look it up!)

I order new triple-pane windows
How much did I pay, I won’t disclose
New appliances with sheen
Like a laundry machine
That will help my tenants wash their clothes

Now I see the results of my build
With all that I’ve learned from my guild
To let such a flat
To a woman with a cat
I believe my calling I’ve filled

soooo much snow

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I shovelled the driveway four times in the past 2 days.  The snow finally stopped.  We got about 20cm (8″) of it.

So, of course, I had to include a comic or two.

green mystery

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This is weird, almost as weird as the hidden receptacle (see hidden power).  For the past several years, there was a green tinge of … well, a kind of goo, stuck to one of the receptacles in the kitchen.  I often wondered, “Where is this green coming from?”  I wracked my brain (but not much of a brain wrack – just a things-that-make-you-go-hmm kind of wrack), wondering what would cause it.

I finally figured it out.  My Mom must have dribbled a little green food colouring on the end of the cord to the mixer.  The mixer is about 45 or 50 years old – a Sunbeam, I think.  Every time I beat some whipping cream, I got some green on the outlet.  Duh.

The funny thing is, Mom hated the colour green.

flooring

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I was going to put “new flooring” as a heading and realized that the flooring I’m using at home is not new.  It’s rejected pieces from 520.  They just need to be scraped and scrubbed clean of debris to stick to the floor.

We had a sewer backup.  It seeped into the bathroom and entrance flooring layers that were put down over time.  It all had to be taken up.  There was wood laminate with foam cushion, then linoleum, then more linoleum.  Out it came.

That was about 1.5 years ago.  Yes, it’s taken a long time!  I’ve been busy.